Friday, 3 July 2015

Impossible Tasks

Have you ever been given a task that you just couldn’t do?

 In a word, yes.

My ex and I had some love egg/Ben-Wa ball type things and one day, before we went out with some friends, he asked me to put them in. The plan was that I would wear them while we were out.

I put them in, like a good girl, and we waited downstairs for our friends to arrive. I got nervous. Very nervous. And as the doorbell went I begged and pleaded to be allowed to take them out.

And this is where I realise that I am glad he is my ex, because, instead of taking my hand and firmly leading me out the door, telling me it would all be ok, he said I could take them out. So I ran upstairs to the toilet and removed them, and we went on about our day with no kinky fun to be had.

I'm not laying the blame 100% at his door, I should have sucked it up and focused on pleasing him, for sure, but I had worked myself into such a state with my nerves that I needed his support and guidance and he took the easy way out.

I'm definitely someone who needs that push from a Top to do things that are out of my comfort zone. And trust me, a lot is out of my comfort zone! But I desperately want to please, to be able to do those things, I just need a supportive hand to hold mine while I'm fighting those nerves so I feel more secure and safe doing naughty things.

Sunday, 21 June 2015

Slaves have no choice?

One popular idea is that slaves have no choices once they are owned. Others do not agree with this concept. Is this an accurate statement for you?

 I sort of covered this in my last post, but I'll try to go a little deeper today.

I'm not 100% sure where I stand on this one; I know slaves who are involved in certain decision making processes, their thoughts and feelings are all taken into account, but ultimately their Doms have the final say.

To me though, for some reason, I cannot get out of the mindset that being a slave equals no say at all, no choices, no opinions, no nothing, and that is why I have never identified as a slave myself. I like having opinions and being able to express them. I want my thoughts and feelings to be taken into account, I need to feel listened to and I like to feel appreciated and for some reason, in my head, being a slave rules all that out.

I'd like to have a more open minded attitude to slavehood, I don't want to feel I've ruled out being a slave in a future relationship, but the reality is that, at the moment, I have because of my unfounded opinions about what it means to be a slave. I am frustrated by myself and by those opinions, hopefully they will change soon.

Monday, 15 June 2015

Do you feel slavehood is a calling?

Do you feel slavehood is a calling?

I so want to say yes to this question, I would love to be so confident in myself, my sex drive, my urges to serve that I could scream "yes, slavehood is calling me" from the rooftops. But I don't think it is.

I identify as submissive, no doubts about that, but I am also very...selfish I suppose. I know what I want, how I want it and I want to be involved in my relationship decision making too. I want to feel like a submissive equal, if that makes sense?

I want a 24/7 D/s relationship, but I want my say in the big decisions too. Now, I know some 24/7 D/s relationships allow for that, but I don't want to blindly wander into slavehood with my Dominant assuming that everything is deferred to them. I have thoughts and opinions and knowledge and I want to feel able to share that.

Maybe, in fact very probably, my idea of slavehood is totally wrong, but to me a slave has much less say in the relationship, the big decisions, etc than a submissive and I don't feel comfortable identifying as a slave. At least not yet, maybe in time that will change, with the right person maybe I will trust enough to give up all decision making and control, but right now, at this moment, I'm too much of a control freak to let go all the way!

Monday, 18 May 2015


What does 24/7 mean to you?

To me it's about knowing that, whenever, wherever, they have the final word, that my opinions will be taken into consideration, but that it's not my decision to make. That, after the initial negotiations, I'm theirs, and trusting them to do what is right for both of us.

It's more than just sexual decisions, though, of course, they are included. It's the mundane, everyday stuff too:what to have for dinner, whether we go to the movies tonight, what we watch on the TV. Right up to the big decisions like which house to buy.

And I know that I will take some taming. A firm hand will most definitely be required, but I want it. I want it so much; to belong to someone, to be theirs, at their command, 24/7.

I understand that it's not all Fifty Shades of glamorous, or like it is in much of the erotica I have read, but god do I want it. I want all it entails. I will need to build up to it, I know that, I cannot just surrender myself in one go, I'm not that girl, but I will have it, in time.

It scares me, if I'm honest. I feel a little trepidation, I am opinionated, determined, I know (mostly) what I want, and the idea of handing myself over to someone and saying "I surrender" does make me a little nervous, but at the same time I feel the desire in me to have that relationship. To know that, no matter how much I protest, if they say no, it means no. If they want it, it's happening. I feel I need that in my life just as much as I want it. I need it to make me feel safe, secure, loved.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Is power exchange a need or a want in your life?

The Submissive Guide prompt today is "is power exchange a need or a want in your life?"

 I wish I knew the answer to this question! Having been single for a long time now I feel that I can't really say that it's a need for me because here I am, getting by, without it. But I'm not really, because, though I haven't been in a physical relationship, I have been in a couple of long-distance power exchange relationships. Relationships that I have longed to become physical.

In addition, I know that I'm not prepared to settle for a vanilla relationship, this is making dating more difficult for me, but I would rather wait longer and find the perfect kinkster for me than settle with a vanilla person and find a few years down the line I am so unhappy and unfulfilled I feel the need to divorce.

So I suppose that means that for me it's both. I want it, but I also feel I need it in my life. However much I struggle to truly submit, to let go, I know that, when I do, it makes me feel free.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

Inspired by this Submissive Guide Journal Prompt, I thought I'd talk today about what changes I'd make in my sexual attitudes and thoughts, as a welcome back to blogging for me! Apologies if this makes no sense, I'm a glass of wine down writing this! (Yes, I'm a cheap date!)

The main change I would make to my sexual attitude is the removal of shame. Despite chatting on Twitter about what I enjoy and what I'm up to, despite being open on Fetlife and having kinky friends, I feel a level of shame about my desires. A fear of judgement I suppose.

I like a variety of things sexually, I don't need to go into them in this blog post, some are 'socially acceptable,' most aren't. Sadly, I am driven by a desperate need to fit in and that means that knowing my desires aren't understood or accepted by most of society gets to me.

When I was younger I imagined that, when I was older, all my friends would be kinky, my family would be accepting, and all would be well. I would marry kinky and we could be open about it to everyone. Of course, in reality that just doesn't happen, or it didn't for me anyway. I find myself currently looking for love, but not wanting to settle for a vanilla relationship, and where I am located people, let alone munches, are hard to come by!

But my attitude to my own sexuality, the shame I have of it is, I'm sure, preventing me from finding the Dom(me) of my dreams. If I owned it, if I wasn't afraid to discuss what I like and don't like, if I was proud of my sexuality, maybe then I wouldn't be so afraid to go to munches if they ever did happen locally. Maybe then I could take control of my search for love, feel empowered by long distance kink relationships and generally enjoy myself a damn sight more.

Any tips for embracing my sexuality and letting go of the shame that haunts me?

Sunday, 30 March 2014

No need to be an asshat

You may have guessed that Persephone is not my real name. You may have noticed that I attempt to be an anonymous blogger. And I hope you will have accepted that it is my choice.

I want, even need, to be able to get things off my chest, to explore my sexuality and to get feedback from others, this is why I blog, why I share my kinks, desires and thoughts online.

I happen to also enjoy playing with people online. It is a safe(ish) way to explore things I might find fun, to discover new kinks, and to learn about my own desires.

The majority of my family do not know I'm kinky, and the majority of my friends who do know do not want to hear me talk about it, because most of them aren't kinky. I am working on finding friends I can share with, friends who understand what I want and need from a relationship, but right now I am not in that place. This is partly why I want to be anonymous; to protect my family and friends.

There are other reasons, I am entitled to all of them.

But this post is for those people who think they're special; who think they deserve my real name/specific location/personal details/IM accounts/etc. This post is to tell you that when I am ready, and not before, I will, maybe, reveal myself to you. And up until that point I deserve for you to respect my choices.

Just because I am submissive does not mean I am an idiot, or indeed a doormat. Just being a Top does not make you worthy of me. If you want to get to know me that is wonderful, I will chat, I might even play, but I will not be giving out my details.

And if you do ask, if you think I'm ready to share that info, when I tell you that I am not comfortable giving you said details, there's no need to be an asshat. Just a simple "OK, I understand," is fine.