Sunday, 30 March 2014

No need to be an asshat

You may have guessed that Persephone is not my real name. You may have noticed that I attempt to be an anonymous blogger. And I hope you will have accepted that it is my choice.

I want, even need, to be able to get things off my chest, to explore my sexuality and to get feedback from others, this is why I blog, why I share my kinks, desires and thoughts online.

I happen to also enjoy playing with people online. It is a safe(ish) way to explore things I might find fun, to discover new kinks, and to learn about my own desires.

The majority of my family do not know I'm kinky, and the majority of my friends who do know do not want to hear me talk about it, because most of them aren't kinky. I am working on finding friends I can share with, friends who understand what I want and need from a relationship, but right now I am not in that place. This is partly why I want to be anonymous; to protect my family and friends.

There are other reasons, I am entitled to all of them.

But this post is for those people who think they're special; who think they deserve my real name/specific location/personal details/IM accounts/etc. This post is to tell you that when I am ready, and not before, I will, maybe, reveal myself to you. And up until that point I deserve for you to respect my choices.

Just because I am submissive does not mean I am an idiot, or indeed a doormat. Just being a Top does not make you worthy of me. If you want to get to know me that is wonderful, I will chat, I might even play, but I will not be giving out my details.

And if you do ask, if you think I'm ready to share that info, when I tell you that I am not comfortable giving you said details, there's no need to be an asshat. Just a simple "OK, I understand," is fine.

Friday, 28 March 2014

Limits

I've been asked about my limits a couple of times lately and it's got me thinking that, I don't really know what they are anymore. There are some things that remain hard limits for me like scat and vomit, but there are things that would have made my limits list before that now I'm unsure of.

There are people in my life I now trust enough to let go with, and I can imagine trying things with them that I wouldn't have before. Things that are surrounded by a bad history for me I want to try with them and I want them to hold my hand while I experience new things too.

I'm sure there are plenty of things that I will try and not like, and plenty of things I've never heard of that I wouldn't even want to try. I am by no means saying that I am declaring myself no limits, or no hard limits, or anything like that. I just think that, with certain people, I feel safe enough to say "yes, ok, I'll try that," and I think that's a good thing.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Orgasms

This sounds ridiculous so I'll just come right out and say it; I'm afraid of orgasms.

Is that the right way to explain it? I don't know. I just know that as my orgasm builds, when I'm masturbating (i.e. no one else is involved), I put it off. I can come really quickly, stupidly so in fact, but I have a fear of the actual orgasm, that feeling scares me and I don't know why. Maybe I feel too vulnerable, maybe it's that my clit just feels so sensitive I can't handle it, maybe it's something completely different, but I think it's something I need to deal with.

I need to stop metaphorically hiding from that build up. When I feel it starting to rise inside me I'll change what I'm doing to make it go away for a bit again, but still I'm drawn to masturbate. It has never stopped me masturbating. It just means that to push myself over the edge, to make myself do it, I have to imagine a Dom making me, and maybe that's a good thing?

Are these feelings 'normal'? Or do I need some sort of kinky therapy?

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Wicked Wednesday: Together

What does 'together' mean to me?

It means touching, holding, snuggling, caressing.

It means physical closeness, the kind that the masses can understand.

But mostly it means emotional closeness; the kind you get through complete honesty, through baring your soul to someone.

Having said that, I long to be able to use the words "we're together" and have it mean physically as well as emotionally and in a relationship sense too. Not being physically together is hard no matter how emotionally together you may be but in some cases it's worth it.


Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Monday, 24 March 2014

I want you to make me

I want you to make me,
To order me,
To demand of me
The things I feel I cannot do.

I want you to make me,
Touch myself,
Be a whore,
Let go of myself for you.

I want you to make me,
When I beg,
When I plead,
Ignore my cries.

I want you to make me,
Face my fears,
Battle my demons,
Fulfill your desires.

Vibrators

Last night I listened to a couple of episodes of the It Girl, Rag Doll Podcast, and the episode discussing vibrators got me thinking about my relationship with vibrators.

My first sex toy was a vibrator, a Rampant Rabbit, and I loved it. Before I got it I had really long showers which featured my clit and the power shower setting. I've always been sexually driven by my clit, I don't know why, I don't know where it started, but it's always been that way so vibrators were a natural thing for me, I'm wracking my brain to think if I've ever owned a dildo, and I don't think I have.

Don't get me wrong I love cock and being fucked, and I can come from that, but if you ask me to masturbate I'll whip out a vibrator of some description and whack it on my clit. I might plug my ass too, I might put clamps on my nipples, but the main event will be clitoral stimulation.

I don't have a great relationship with my fingers, I've never been a fan of them. They're great for typing and stuff, but they're not so hot downstairs and, for me, it feels somehow dirty and wrong.

So for me the vibrator has been a key part of my sex life since I came of age and has remained on a pedestal ever since. But now I'm wondering if that's healthy, and whether I should look into other ways of masturbating. Maybe I should try a dildo, or a g-spot stimulator, or something else that I can't think of right now because it's late and I'm tired.

Maybe tomorrow I'll buy a new, non-vibrating, sex toy. Or maybe not. I'll think some more on it. But I'm not sure I can bring myself to use my fingers just yet.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Comparison

Today an email from Submissive Guide popped into my inbox that really resonated with me. It was about the strive for perfection and comparing yourself to others. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis, I see others tweet & blog their achievements and feel that mine are not as good. I forget that their life, their journey, is different, that their fears and struggles will be different to mine, that there will be things that I can do that they can't and vice-versa, that basically, we're all just different.

I try, I try my best, and that is what matters. Deep down I think I know that, but a past history of being told I'm not X, Y and Z enough has affected my ability to believe when people tell me that trying my hardest is all they ask. So I need to be kinder to myself; to repeat to myself that as long as I am trying my best that is all that can be asked of me. Eventually that will sink in, I hope, and I wont find myself looking at other subs and feeling negative about myself.


Saturday, 22 March 2014

Distance

I've done the long distance thing, I did it during a physical relationship (i.e. we met in real life & got to know each other and then it became long distance), and I've done it where it's just been long distance (read: online). Either way it sucks.

I'm quite a tactile person when in love, I like to touch them, to run my hands all over them, to feel that physical connection. You would think, therefore, that I would avoid long distance like the plague. Well, I should, but things come along, don't they. Amazing people walk, technologically, into your life and you can't just go "nope, not gonna get involved because of the distance," that would be silly, well to me it would be.

So now there are some people in my life who are a long way away but who light up my life and make me happy. That is more important than the distance, because distance can be overcome, it might take some doing, but it can be overcome. So much as I want to hug them, kiss them and do naughty things with them, I can wait for them too because special people like that don't come into your life that often.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Depression & submission

I suffer with depression, less severely than I have in the past thanks to medication, but it does still hit me fairly regularly with its misery and general malaise.

It makes everything more difficult; from basic things like looking after myself (getting out of bed, showering, etc) to dealing with any kind of situation or emotion, everything is harder.

Naturally this means carrying out tasks is harder too, but mostly for me it is the struggle for any kind of motivation because I feel like whatever I try to do, I will fail at. I feel rejected, I feel useless and I feel like no one could ever want me because my mind goes wild with all the things that are bad about me, all the bad things I've ever done, all the bad things that have ever happened to me. Mostly I feel like I don't deserve anyone, especially not the amazing people who are in my life.

Naturally this then leads to me feeling like a bad submissive, nay, the worst submissive, that has ever been. Why would anyone want to play with someone who can't do X, Y and Z? Why would anyone want to be with someone with these issues? My mind can't find reasons so the paranoia starts; anyone who does seem interested in me must just be being polite, I don't want them to feel they have to just be polite, best cut the ties with them myself so they don't have to feel bad about doing it.

And right now I'm fighting that desire, to cut ties, because the logical side of my brain, small though it may be, knows I'm being crazy, that some people must like me, just by the law of averages, right? But man is it hard, it's hard to hang in there when your own brain is against you.

 How do you deal with depression if you have it? Do you find that being submissive helps your depression or worsens it?

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Demanding & Impatient

I'm not a patient person. I am a fairly high maintenance and demanding person.

This does not make for good subservience. And yet that is the role which I connect to; that of submissive.

It's something I'm working on, I don't want to be so...annoyingly needy, I'm conscious of it, that's the first step I imagine; know your enemy! And that's how I'm trying to treat this part of myself, like my enemy. I'm hoping that with a concerted effort I can boot out my demanding, impatient traits and usher in an era of patient submission.

It's tough though. Trying to change deep rooted things about yourself is never going to be easy, but I am determined. I want to be the best sub I can be, and part of that means not constantly pestering, being able to just be.

I think part of it comes from doing the long distance thing and winding up hurt, it makes trusting difficult and the way I appear to be dealing with my trust issues is by demanding attention all the time. But that's no excuse, and I know, in time, I can get over it.

But if anyone has any tips on how to deal with impatience and a demanding nature do please let me know! Thanks in advance!

I want to give

This post was inspired by the post I Want To Receive, written by a Kitty who inspires me daily. She beautifully described many of the different parts of being a submissive, the different things she wants to receive.

And I want to receive all that too, but I feel like I want to give. I want to give myself to somebody(ies). I want to feel safe enough with them to give them my heart. I want to give up my freedoms to them in order to feel free in myself. I want to give them my body to torment or pleasure as they see fit.

I want to give all of myself to them and be accepted. Because I think that's the key for me right now, acceptance. Of all the things I want to receive, acceptance is definitely one of the most important for me in the place I'm in at the moment, and I can only get that by giving my true self.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Vulnerable

I have a secret. One I'm not telling you. One I'd not told anyone. But last night, I told someone, a very important someone, and telling them made me totally naked, completely vulnerable, but also somewhat free.

So this brings me to why I wanted to share that little snippet with you, because I learned something last night. I learned that to be that vulnerable isn't a bad thing, it doesn't mean you will get hurt, it doesn't mean the world as you know it will end, in fact it can lead to more acceptance.

Sure, this is something all of you probably know already, but it's a big, massive, huge step for me and I wanted to share it here so I can look back and remind myself of this. I've spent my life trying to not be vulnerable, being told it's a bad thing, deep down knowing I so want to be able to let down my walls properly. So last night I started that process, and I feel better for it today, I feel stronger.

Long may this feeling last!

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Durex Play: Pure Pleasure/Play Delight

I'm currently on holiday and I neglected to bring a vibrator with me. Last time I was on holiday in this same place I used the shower, it had a power shower setting and was deliciously nice on my clit, however this time it is broken :(

Anyway, long couple of months short, I treated myself to a new vibrator. Nothing fancy, and in fact the only one I could find, but I picked up the Durex Play: Pure Pleasure. It was 15 euros, well, 14,95 or something, and came in a bright pink box, automatic win if you ask me!

I've done a bit of Googling and it seems it retails as the "Play Delight" in the UK.

 

The toy itself is just a small, clitoral stimulator, I haven't been able to read the instructions as they're all in Spanish, but from what I can figure out it only has 1 speed. That speed though is just right for me and as an added bonus it's pretty damn quiet.

Allegedly the toy is waterproof or water resistant, depending where you get your info, but I feel a bit wary of finding out! That's just my worry of breaking it though, if I do eventually dare to test it I'll let you know!
It's also free of phthalates which I hear is a good thing.

The toy has a little button on the bottom to turn it on and off, and the base unscrews to insert 1 AAA battery. This should last 5 hours and mine came with 1 included.

Overall I am really pleased with this toy, and would recommend it if you enjoy clitoral stimulation and want to start small and easy to use.

N.B. I paid for this toy myself, it was not gifted to me in anyway and all views are my own.

Sunday, 23 February 2014

Sinful Sunday: Macro

I couldn't decide which of these versions of the images I preferred, so I thought I'd share both!

Happy Sinful Sunday! Hopefully I'll take part more regularly from now on!


Sinful Sunday

Thursday, 13 February 2014

I'm a good girl or am I?

Following on from yesterday's post which touched on denying my true self, I thought I'd explore some more why I struggle to truly accept my kinky side.
I go through phases where I crave kink, during those times I feel that I do accept it and I am happy for it to be a part of me, but I always find that when that phase has passed I feel shame.
I feel ashamed of what I did during that time, what I have said and how I have felt. I know that I shouldn't feel ashamed because it is a part of me and sexuality is a natural part of life, but it's how I feel.
I feel like there are two people inside me, one prim, proper, straight laced girl and one depraved slut and I don't know how to combine the two to create the slutty yet shy girl I feel that I am.
I know it is something I need to work on alone, that it is unfair to bring my current issues into a relationship if one does crop up, but I find it so much easier to accept myself when someone else loves and accepts me.

Help!

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Wicked Wednesday: Decision



So...it's been a long time! I haven't ventured onto Fetlife, or my kinky twitter account, or Facebook, or even Tumblr for ages. I haven't been feeling the kinky vibe. I thought maybe it wasn't a part of me anymore, but no, tonight it is definitely a part of me again. I've been having kinky dreams and needing it in my life.
I miss it. I miss it a lot right now. I miss everything about it. From the tiny little things like having someone's lap to bend over, to the big things like having someone to defer the decision making to. I miss sharing the everyday stuff with someone and I miss the sexy stuff too.

So it seems I have a decision to make; to battle with myself and learn to truly accept that kink is a part of me and bring it into my everyday, or to reject it completely, delete all those kinky accounts, and pretend like I don't need to be spanked, chained up, forced to cum or denied orgasm.

The problem is that I find it difficult to bring the sexy side of it in to my everyday, I'm not an overly sexual person, I can go months without wanting sex, but I still want the dynamic, I still want to "yes Sir/Mistress" someone and know that if I don't there will be punishment. I need a dominant in my life. Someone I can touch, not someone so far away that we're not even in the same time zone. It's too hard, long distance, but turns out finding someone in real life is even harder.

And that's my ramble inspired by the prompt "decision". Do I accept the kink and hunt harder for a dom, or give it up and quit looking completely?

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked