Following on from yesterday's post which touched on denying my true self, I thought I'd explore some more why I struggle to truly accept my kinky side.
I go through phases where I crave kink, during those times I feel that I do accept it and I am happy for it to be a part of me, but I always find that when that phase has passed I feel shame.
I feel ashamed of what I did during that time, what I have said and how I have felt. I know that I shouldn't feel ashamed because it is a part of me and sexuality is a natural part of life, but it's how I feel.
I feel like there are two people inside me, one prim, proper, straight laced girl and one depraved slut and I don't know how to combine the two to create the slutty yet shy girl I feel that I am.
I know it is something I need to work on alone, that it is unfair to bring my current issues into a relationship if one does crop up, but I find it so much easier to accept myself when someone else loves and accepts me.
So...it's been a long time! I haven't ventured onto Fetlife, or my kinky twitter account, or Facebook, or even Tumblr for ages. I haven't been feeling the kinky vibe. I thought maybe it wasn't a part of me anymore, but no, tonight it is definitely a part of me again. I've been having kinky dreams and needing it in my life.
I miss it. I miss it a lot right now. I miss everything about it. From the tiny little things like having someone's lap to bend over, to the big things like having someone to defer the decision making to. I miss sharing the everyday stuff with someone and I miss the sexy stuff too.
So it seems I have a decision to make; to battle with myself and learn to truly accept that kink is a part of me and bring it into my everyday, or to reject it completely, delete all those kinky accounts, and pretend like I don't need to be spanked, chained up, forced to cum or denied orgasm.
The problem is that I find it difficult to bring the sexy side of it in to my everyday, I'm not an overly sexual person, I can go months without wanting sex, but I still want the dynamic, I still want to "yes Sir/Mistress" someone and know that if I don't there will be punishment. I need a dominant in my life. Someone I can touch, not someone so far away that we're not even in the same time zone. It's too hard, long distance, but turns out finding someone in real life is even harder.
And that's my ramble inspired by the prompt "decision". Do I accept the kink and hunt harder for a dom, or give it up and quit looking completely?