Friday, 21 March 2014

Depression & submission

I suffer with depression, less severely than I have in the past thanks to medication, but it does still hit me fairly regularly with its misery and general malaise.

It makes everything more difficult; from basic things like looking after myself (getting out of bed, showering, etc) to dealing with any kind of situation or emotion, everything is harder.

Naturally this means carrying out tasks is harder too, but mostly for me it is the struggle for any kind of motivation because I feel like whatever I try to do, I will fail at. I feel rejected, I feel useless and I feel like no one could ever want me because my mind goes wild with all the things that are bad about me, all the bad things I've ever done, all the bad things that have ever happened to me. Mostly I feel like I don't deserve anyone, especially not the amazing people who are in my life.

Naturally this then leads to me feeling like a bad submissive, nay, the worst submissive, that has ever been. Why would anyone want to play with someone who can't do X, Y and Z? Why would anyone want to be with someone with these issues? My mind can't find reasons so the paranoia starts; anyone who does seem interested in me must just be being polite, I don't want them to feel they have to just be polite, best cut the ties with them myself so they don't have to feel bad about doing it.

And right now I'm fighting that desire, to cut ties, because the logical side of my brain, small though it may be, knows I'm being crazy, that some people must like me, just by the law of averages, right? But man is it hard, it's hard to hang in there when your own brain is against you.

 How do you deal with depression if you have it? Do you find that being submissive helps your depression or worsens it?

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