Monday, 18 May 2015

24/7

What does 24/7 mean to you?

To me it's about knowing that, whenever, wherever, they have the final word, that my opinions will be taken into consideration, but that it's not my decision to make. That, after the initial negotiations, I'm theirs, and trusting them to do what is right for both of us.

It's more than just sexual decisions, though, of course, they are included. It's the mundane, everyday stuff too:what to have for dinner, whether we go to the movies tonight, what we watch on the TV. Right up to the big decisions like which house to buy.

And I know that I will take some taming. A firm hand will most definitely be required, but I want it. I want it so much; to belong to someone, to be theirs, at their command, 24/7.

I understand that it's not all Fifty Shades of glamorous, or like it is in much of the erotica I have read, but god do I want it. I want all it entails. I will need to build up to it, I know that, I cannot just surrender myself in one go, I'm not that girl, but I will have it, in time.

It scares me, if I'm honest. I feel a little trepidation, I am opinionated, determined, I know (mostly) what I want, and the idea of handing myself over to someone and saying "I surrender" does make me a little nervous, but at the same time I feel the desire in me to have that relationship. To know that, no matter how much I protest, if they say no, it means no. If they want it, it's happening. I feel I need that in my life just as much as I want it. I need it to make me feel safe, secure, loved.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Is power exchange a need or a want in your life?

The Submissive Guide prompt today is "is power exchange a need or a want in your life?"

 I wish I knew the answer to this question! Having been single for a long time now I feel that I can't really say that it's a need for me because here I am, getting by, without it. But I'm not really, because, though I haven't been in a physical relationship, I have been in a couple of long-distance power exchange relationships. Relationships that I have longed to become physical.

In addition, I know that I'm not prepared to settle for a vanilla relationship, this is making dating more difficult for me, but I would rather wait longer and find the perfect kinkster for me than settle with a vanilla person and find a few years down the line I am so unhappy and unfulfilled I feel the need to divorce.

So I suppose that means that for me it's both. I want it, but I also feel I need it in my life. However much I struggle to truly submit, to let go, I know that, when I do, it makes me feel free.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

Inspired by this Submissive Guide Journal Prompt, I thought I'd talk today about what changes I'd make in my sexual attitudes and thoughts, as a welcome back to blogging for me! Apologies if this makes no sense, I'm a glass of wine down writing this! (Yes, I'm a cheap date!)

The main change I would make to my sexual attitude is the removal of shame. Despite chatting on Twitter about what I enjoy and what I'm up to, despite being open on Fetlife and having kinky friends, I feel a level of shame about my desires. A fear of judgement I suppose.

I like a variety of things sexually, I don't need to go into them in this blog post, some are 'socially acceptable,' most aren't. Sadly, I am driven by a desperate need to fit in and that means that knowing my desires aren't understood or accepted by most of society gets to me.

When I was younger I imagined that, when I was older, all my friends would be kinky, my family would be accepting, and all would be well. I would marry kinky and we could be open about it to everyone. Of course, in reality that just doesn't happen, or it didn't for me anyway. I find myself currently looking for love, but not wanting to settle for a vanilla relationship, and where I am located people, let alone munches, are hard to come by!

But my attitude to my own sexuality, the shame I have of it is, I'm sure, preventing me from finding the Dom(me) of my dreams. If I owned it, if I wasn't afraid to discuss what I like and don't like, if I was proud of my sexuality, maybe then I wouldn't be so afraid to go to munches if they ever did happen locally. Maybe then I could take control of my search for love, feel empowered by long distance kink relationships and generally enjoy myself a damn sight more.

Any tips for embracing my sexuality and letting go of the shame that haunts me?